Santa’s Wackiest Video Game Cameos

Santa Claus has many interpretations: Father Christmas, St. Nicholas, Kris Kringle, or Krampus if ya nasty. And in the video game realm, Santa can be whoever you want him to be. Maybe he’s a gut-slinging sumo wrestler. Or perhaps a ripped rock star. Heck, he could even be a sloth! The possibilities are limitless.

Last year, TG published a list of the Best Appearances By Santa Claus In Video Games. But this didn’t fulfill my Christmas wishes. You see, I’m not looking for the best. That’s a list full of safe choices. I want the weirdest, wackiest, most bizarre, spit-take-inducing cameos ever witnessed of the man in the big red suit. If I accomplish my goal, each entry on this list should make you exclaim, ‘Ho-ho-hooooooo no!’

Sadistic Claus – Dead Rising 4

I will start this list with an off-putting Santa cameo from the zombie hack-and-slash series Dead Rising. Why Dead Rising? Because it’s the only Triple-A game on this list, and I need it to carry the article. (Oh my! I broke the fourth wall! The wackiness has begun!)

What’s funny is that I haven’t kept up with Dead Rising since Frank West’s first zombie mall fiasco. Yet I instinctively knew that either a deranged Santa or a zombie Santa was bound to show up in the series at some point. Well, call me Cilla Black because “surprise, surprise,” I was absolutely right.

Sadistic Claus is one of the “Maniac” bosses in Dead Rising 4. You must fight him and an army of murderous elves after getting trapped in a Christmas Tree lot (which makes the opening scene from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation look like a breezy Holiday adventure in comparison).

Sumo Santa – Clayfighter 63 1/3

I’ve known about the Clayfighter series for a while, mostly from gaming YouTube and web lore. For those unfamiliar, Clayfighter is a 1v1 fighting game that uses stop-motion claymation for each character’s sprites. Clayfighter 63 1/3 is the third title and first to launch on the N64 (hence the silly, Naked Gun-inspired name). Is its gameplay any good? From what I heard, it’s mid at best. But that’s not important.

What is important is the old man in the red and green mawashi smacking people around with his gut. Yup. That’s Sumo Santa, Santa’s evil twin who also delivers presents to children – wait, how is that evil? Clayfighters has weird lore. I won’t get bogged down by the details.

I’m not going to task you with downloading Retroarch and playing a ROM of a twenty-something-year-old game. So, I implore you to go on YouTube and watch this festive nonsense. Seriously! Every time I thought Sumo Santa couldn’t become more vulgar, Sumo Santa said, ‘Hold my milk,’ shoved his clay opponent up his butt, and farted them out. I’ve never been more terrified to get on the Naughty List.

Sloth Santa – Travel Mosaics 6: Christmas Around The World

This is the point in the list where we move on to Steam’s indie catalog, and these cameos keep it really weird. For instance, this holiday nonogram game features a cast of anthropomorphic animals, including – wait for it – Sloth Santa Claus.

A nonogram is a numbered grid puzzle that forms a picture upon completion. It’s also a great distraction from political arguments during Christmas Dinner.

I have too many questions for a game I paid less than a dollar for in the Steam Store. My biggest concern is how a sloth, one of the Earth’s slowest mammals, delivers presents worldwide in one night. I saw the DMV scene in Zootopia, so I’m not buying this for a second.

As far as nonogram games go, though, I highly recommend it.

Shredding Santa – Santa Rockstar HD

When I saw Santa Rockstar HD in the Steam store, I was excited to play it. I’m a huge music/rhythm game fan, and this title is essentially Holiday Guitar Hero. The ripped Santa Claus shredding on his axe also caught my attention. “What a badass,” I thought.

That hype quickly faded once I started tapping my keyboard to Silent Night. I remembered I was playing a rhythm game, and I had a combo streak to maintain. Why risk peeking at Santa and his band of reindeer musicians with a bevy of notes headed my way? And demote myself to a B grade!? No, thank you!

Besides, Santa playing the guitar isn’t even the wackiest part of this cameo. The wackiness comes from Santa Rockstar’s opening cinematic, which the game will mercilessly not let you skip.

How do I sum this up? So, you’re driving in your hot rod, head-banging your metal heart out, when a reindeer appears in the middle of the icy road. You abruptly stop your car and spot Santa wiped out in a snow bank next to a wrecked sleigh. Then, you remember years ago when Santa gave you your first guitar. You can’t let him down! He’s your Musical Godfather! But how can you save him?

Of course! You’ll merge yourself with Santa using the power of rock and roll (with a splash of The Fly, for good measure)! And, behold! You have become the SANTA ROCKSTAR, CHAMPION OF GOOD WILL TOWARD MEN, AND BRINGER OF DEATH METAL!… So, yeah. It’s The Santa Clause with guitars and death metal.

Zaddy Santa – Santa’s Big Sack

I never knew Christmas gaming could get as crude as Santa’s Big Sack, an amusingly tasteless visual novel by Great Idea Games. This tale of peppermint sticks and where to stuff them begins when our hero, Rudy Noel, starts his first day as Santa Claus’s new assistant. And to his surprise, one look at Santa makes Rudy pine to be on his naughty list.

Humor and sex appeal are abundant in Santa’s Big Sack (A-YO!!!!). Its writing is full of punny double-entendres and enough swearing to fit into a South Park episode. But more importantly, each character has a distinct voice.

• There’s Freezy, the sensitive snowperson with major depressive disorder.
• Cramdor is the crotchety elf who could use some work sensitivity training.
• Mrs. (Jennifer) Klaus is a vixen who puts the reindeer of the same name to shame.
• And, of course, there’s the most loveable himbo on this side of the North Pole, Santa Claus.

This cameo is more than wacky; it’s straight-up NSFW. At one point, I had to mute my computer, so my family wouldn’t hear all the heavy panting and grunting. Yet, beneath the depravity is a charming story about faith in Christmas magic that never takes itself too seriously.

I totally hooked up with Santa, and it was AWESOME!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, YOU FILTHY ANIMALS!!!