SAS Australia: Pretty boy Tim Robards mocked for lame confession | James Weir recaps

Chiropractor-actor-reality-star Tim Robards experiences the brutal downside of being oh-so perfect during an embarrassing interrogation on Monday’s SAS Australia when the soldiers expose his deepest, darkest secret: he’s “a boring twat”.

Dun, dun, duuun!

That’s what happens when you spend your whole life in the gym pumping iron – or, more accurately, using your mum’s aerobics equipment while watching Dawson’s Creek.

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Tonight, Tim bravely opens up to reveal his personal struggles – both big and small. … Well, mainly just small.

“I’ve got what looks like a penis only smaller,” he sighs, lamenting the effects of the freezing temperatures at dawn.

“Just a nub?” asks Olympian Matthew Mitcham.

Tim doesn’t deny the nub allegations. Of course, this is the only confirmation we need.

“I’m so cold my nipples have gone inside my boobs,” that Zima girl from Neighbours says, peering down her shirt.

This scene is definitely one for the Logies nomination reel.

We’re one week into the brutal military course and the celebrities are physically destroyed. When it comes time for the first challenge of the episode, the soldiers decide to go easy and show some sympath-

“WELCOME TO MURDER BALL!” Ant Middleton screams.

Within seconds, sports commentator Abbey Holmes crash tackles actor Craig McLachlan and makes him eat dirt.

Like all fun team sports, Murder Ball ends with someone blowing chunks:

Back at camp, our celebrities get the chance to kick back and relax. Some even manage to sneak in a pedicure.

“I just ripped my hang toenail off,” Abbey groans.

Meanwhile, Craig McLachlan saunters over to Mahalia and starts making casual chitchat about his testicles.

“You are so physically strong,” he gushes. “When I tackled you and we were wrestling … that testicle that dropped at breakfast? Gone again.”

Oh Craig. Not even a nub remains? Maybe it has just inverted, like Zima’s nipples.

Honestly, with all these terrific sports legends and showbiz entertainers in the same room, how about engaging in a substantial conversation about something a little more meaningful?

“Oh, look – I got chafe too!” Matthew Mitcham says, hunching over and peeling up the side of his underwear.

“Wow!” Zima shrieks, genuinely fascinated. “I think you should put vaseline on it and then baby powder.”

Matthew cringes. “That’s just gonna create a glue.”

We’re so sick of hearing these celebrities carry on like a pack of chafed nubs. Thankfully, relief is provided and Tim gets dragged into a concrete interrogation cell. The only problem? Tim has nothing interesting to be interrogated about.

The whole point of casting celebrities on this show is to torture them into revealing all the dirty details of their most humiliating scandals. But Tim has no scandals! He was The Bachelor – a role which comes with the lone criteria of being the most boring person on the planet.

When the soldiers try digging around with questions about his past, Tim meanders into a snoozefest of a tale about growing up in Newcastle and how his dad would go to work at 8am every morning. We’re actually surprised producers don’t just start rolling the end credits over his face.

The soldiers groan.

“C’mon, give me a f**king exciting story, you boring twat!” Ant Middleton yells.

This stern warning leads to Tim rambling about how, as a teenager, he started using his mum’s home aerobics equipment to workout while watching Joey and Pacey.

“I’d sit there … pumping iron to Dawson’s Creek,” he says solemnly.

The soldiers laugh in his face.

Then comes a trick question: What’s your day job?

Timothy proceeds to put a sophisticated spin on the job title of “reality contestant”.

“I come from a … reality background,” he says.

C’mon, Tim – don’t try make it sound fancier than it is.

The soldiers get so bored they end the interrogation early and just let him walk out.

“He’s f**king boring,” Ant sighs. “But a nice guy.”

As a rule of thumb, celebrity contestants on SAS Australia should share similar qualities with your favourite drinking buddy – a damaged soul who has a police record and a yen for loudly trash-talking mutual acquaintances.

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