We’re back, baby! It’s only been a lazy 2,340 days between seasons, but finally: The Real Housewives of Sydney has returned.
It’s taken six-and-a-half years for the dust to settle from one of the most chaotic seasons in Real Housewives history, but now the show’s back with a (mostly) new cast of high-glam, highly-strung Eastern Suburbs women.
Let’s dive in, shall we? Episode one takes us on a whistlestop tour of our new Housewives’ lives – first we meet Victoria Montano, who spends her days in a beige palace in Darling Point:
She has a husband and two young children, who she says she would talk about, only they’re “really boring.”
As we watch her run around Rushcutters Bay, ponytail swishing in the wind, she gives us the lowdown on Real Housewives Etiquette: “It’s just basic manners to botox your forehead,” she advises sternly. Well, I think she’s stern – her forehead is as smooth and featureless as a flat-screen TV.
Victoria’s hobbies include “showjumping and heli-skiing.” She’s the Evel Knievel of Darling Point.
So what does Victoria, y’know, do with her days? She runs some sort of boutique fashion label. So boutique it appears to sell approximately three jackets to approximately one customer – all proudly using real animal furs. C’mon, villain arc!
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Next we meet Terry Biviano, WAG and shoe designer who explains that “money gives her family freedom” – it seems that freedom mainly extends to her shopping for diamonds on a workday:
We also meet Sally Obermeder, already a recognisable face thanks to her years as a TV presenter. She’s got an incredibly inspiring backstory, having been diagnosed with, then beat, stage 3 breast cancer when she was pregnant with her first child – but is she a bit too calm and level-headed for a Real Housewife?
Time will tell, but I suppose every group needs a Chyka.
Shout out to Krissy Marsh and Nicole O’Neil, the only two castmates to return from the show’s original, truly toxic season. The pair settle in for a champers to remind the audience who they are after six-plus years off TV, and it’s not Krissy’s first rodeo, asking her bestie expositional questions which are clearly just for the benefit of the viewers at home.
“Your daughter – Nawal – how old were you when you had her?” she enquires.
Nicole, lest we forget, caused a stir in the first season of RHOS when she revealed that she took her young daughters out of first class whenever they flew, and traipsed them around the back of the plane so they could see how the poor people travelled.
Six years later, those daughters are now teenagers, doing normal teenage girly things like jousting with their fencing instructor on the grounds of their manor:
Nicole’s on edge, because her eldest daughter is about to leave home to go to college in the US. In a scene that suggests the only way is up for this season, we watch on as Nicole teaches her daughter to separate her whites and her colours in a wash, then how to sew on a button on a pair of pants.
“I’ve raised you to be strong and independent,” Nicole tells her near-adult child as she shows her how to use a common household appliance for the very first time.
It’s at this point the episode veers into dangerous territory: Less Real Housewives, more Better Homes and Gardens. Can we move on before Tonia Todman arrives and shows us how to decoupage a pine cone?
Praise be: Enter Caroline Gaultier, a housewife whose choice of attire suggests she’s never learned how to sew a button in her life.
She has all the ingredients for an instantly iconic Real Housewife: She’s newly single, new in town after living in Byron Bay for years, it’s not entirely clear how or why she’s so rich, she has an outrageous fashion sense and a penchant for wearing her breasts as earmuffs.
“I am in the lucky position that I don’t have to go to work, so now travel is my favourite thing to do,” she explains, as we’re shown a compilation of her recent incredible adventures around the world. Oh, the sights she’s seen:
When Caroline’s at home, her hobbies include “a lot of anti-ageing stuff.”
Like what? Like … whatever this is:
“Ageing’s for the lazy; you’ve got to keep on top of that,” she advises viewers.
*nods sagely, dons bikini, mounts UV-sex-swing*
Caroline meets up for a drink with Terry, and after moaning that she’s just been “boring at home” lately – Caroline, you were literally JUST swinging from the rafters – Terry invites her along to a girl’s lunch, to come later in the episode.
Next we meet Dr Kate Adams, the Bondi vet (no, this isn’t Dr. Chris Brown in drag: there is another Bondi vet).
Kate seems to do very well for herself for someone who spends her days administering worming tablets: She has a walk-in wardrobe that’s bigger than my apartment, sees a personal trainer five times a week and gets driven around Sydney each day in the back of a town car.
She’s got everything – except a man (OK, that sounded less harsh in my head). But Kate isn’t fussed about being eternally single.
“Men are like buses. They’re like the 333; there’s always another one,” she insists. Also like the 333, they can be deeply unpleasant on Saturday nights in Bondi.
Caroline and Kate go for lunch in Clovelly, where they discuss the upcoming event hosted by Terry – and reveal they’ve both got prior beef with OG Housewife Krissy Marsh.
Caroline says Krissy once told her she “looked like a porn star,” which offended so deeply she almost fell off her sex swing. Kate, meanwhile, had Krissy as a client at her vet clinic and they “didn’t really gel well.” These people… Who feuds with their vet? Who has the time?
Across town, Krissy is blissfully unaware that she’s about to crash into two women with an axe to grind at Terry’s lunch.
“Terry Biviano and lunch go together like honey and bees,” she trills. OK Billie Piper!
Krissy pulls the ultimate power move when she sees her former vet Kate at the lunch: pretends they’ve never met before.
“Oh, you’re a vet? That’ll come in handy – I’ve got four dogs,” she says, as Kate stares at her with eyes that say, “Yes, I know, I spayed and neutered them.”
“I thought there would be some hostility, but she pretended not to know who I was, and I was happy with that,” Kate lies.
Realising it’s hard to pick a fight with someone who doesn’t recall ever having met you before, Kate instead co-opts Caroline’s’ beef with Krissy.
“The more I think about it, annoyingly, that [porn star] comment came from a woman. It’s pulling other women down, and she needs to apologise for it,” she insists.
Back in the group, Dr Kate opens up to the other women about how much she loves her highly emotional job: Nursing animals through sickness and health, while offering their owners support during those sad times when they can’t be saved.
“You know what? There’s never a day without feeling,” she tells them.
Enter Krissy, who is clearly feeling the effects of the champagne she pre-gamed while getting ready.
“WHAT ABOUT MONDAYS? MONDAYS ARE JUST ANAL GLAND SQUEEZING, RIGHT? IT IS! THAT’S A MONDAY FOR YOU, RIGHT?” she bellows.
Cue Kill Bill sirens in Kate’s head.
Sensing the awkwardness, Victoria tries to play peacemaker, explaining that “everything you discuss with Krissy will somehow come back to sex.” Umm, Victoria, not sure how you classified Krissy’s outburst as sex-related … but stay away from my anal glands!
Over lunch, star sign-obsessed Kate reveals she only hires Scorpios at her vet clinic, which seems like a Fair Work case waiting to happen. By the time she confesses that Scorpios are also “really good in bed”, I’m ready to submit the HR complaint myself.
Caroline seems to be having a lovely time with this new group of women, until Kate announces on her behalf that she was “quite anxious” about Krissy’s past “porn star” gibe.
Krissy vehemently denies having ever said it – although she also has no memory of having met Kate, so she may be in need of an urgent MRI.
“I’d never refer to another woman as a porn star – but you look hot, and your body is amazing,” she says, and Caroline says she’ll take the compliment.
Kate looks less than thrilled her attempt to land Krissy in hot water hasn’t worked… yet.
“I think Krissy’s said it, and Caroline’s backed down, and that’s up to Caroline,” she sniffs. Would she back down? “F**k no.”
Caroline then says she feels for porn stars, who she describes as “frontline workers.”
“ … Like teachers and nurses?” asks a sceptical Victoria.
As the episode ends, we’re treated to a teaser of what’s to come this season: Snake handling, yacht cruises, a Tokyo group trip, and at least one dinner where a cast member storms out telling the rest of them to “go f**k yourselves.” BRING IT.
The Real Housewives of Sydney airs Tuesdays on Binge and Foxtel. We’ll recap all the wildest moments from each episode here on news.com.au each week.