The opening ceremony of the Paris Olympics looked promising, but fans around the world were served a spectacle as disappointing as a day-old Coles croissant.
The thing about these events? The host country has to bow to its tasteless stereotypes. We don’t want stylish and sophisticated. No, no. We want trés lame.
The brief for the opening ceremony is simple: incorporate every obvious element of your culture until it’s more eye-catching than a freshly sliced camembert.
And you do all this within the confines of a stadium where a Rock Eisteddfod is scheduled for the following weekend. Breaking the tradition of sailing athletes in vintage boats down the Seine? That's just showing off.
Australia knows how to throw an opening ceremony. If we were the organisers this year, you can be sure that Schapelle Corby would have been carried into the stadium on a cable. Then Christine Anu and Kate Ceberano would have emerged from behind some prop surfboards to sing a medley of Slim Dusty songs, as per their government contract to perform at all events within five kilometres of any Westfield.
All of this is a huge warning to Australia when Brisbane hosts the Games in 2032. Perhaps the organisers should try to compete with Paris by zipping athletes down their serpentine brown river in a pair of CityCats.
On Friday night in Paris, the city's pompous cabaret should have been more French than a croissant and a beret.
Where were the giant dancing papier-mâché Eiffel Towers?
As the athletes sped through the fans, they were supposed to throw small bottles of La Roche-Posay and cigarettes, while the stereo system played the CD “So Frenchy So Chic.”
The waiters in blue and white striped shirts were supposed to serve Nescafé on tap in a nearby canteen.
In contrast, Celine Dion, currently struggling with debilitating stiff person syndrome, was forced to literally loosen her body in order to perform.
The woman could have frozen and collapsed at any moment. True dedication, yes. But for us, she just slipped away. She's too good for an occasion like this where, at best, the biggest celebrity present should have been that old French grandpa Mary-Kate Olsen was married to.
In the crowd, pop singer Ariana Grande sat as a special guest. Her name may sound French, but don't let that fool you.
And then have the courage to challenge the American song star Lady Gaga?
To paraphrase the singer's famous quote: “There can be a million Parisians in a room, but that still doesn't make you French.”
Cheering up the ceremony with random American pop stars is a clear violation of the rules and France should be disqualified from all Olympic Games.
Opening ceremonies are like an episode of Ready Steady Cook: ingredients are limited and you have to work with what you have.
Facebook: @hellojamesweir
