Nabbit Is A Sham And I’m Not Playing Along Anymore

Super Mario Bros. Wonder launches on Nintendo Switch later this week with the biggest roster of playable characters a Mario platformer has ever seen. All your favorite classic Mario characters are here, including Mario himself, his big brother Luigi, Princess Peach, her much hotter friend Daisy, Yellow and Blue Toad (whom I assume are boyfriends), Toadette, four of the five best-colored Yoshis (no black Yoshi), and Nabbit. Y’know, Nabbit? You know! Nabbit!



Okay, this Nabbit thing has gone on long enough. I don’t know who this weird little Rabbid knock-off is, but I’m tired of pretending he’s a real character. They could have stuck a Wario, King Boo, Petey Piranha, Lakitu, or heck, even a Chargin’ Chuck in there, and I wouldn’t have a problem. I play Ninji in Mario Golf: Super Rush. I know the goalie in Mario Strikers: Battle League is called Boom Boom, alright? I know the Mario characters, and Nabbit ain’t one of them.

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Is this my own personal Mandela Effect? Am I trapped in some kind of Truman Show ruse, a bizarre social experiment to gaslight me into believing Nabbit is totally a thing? Are we all going to just sit here and pretend we know who Nabbit is and that it makes sense he’s one of the playable characters in Super Mario Bros. Wonder? I resist this reality. I refuse to accept it.

I’m not going to get Graggle Simpson’d by a bad photoshop of Ravio from A Link Between Worlds wearing Bowser Jr.’s scarf. I’m not going to be convinced by anyone that a character I’ve never heard of has been part of the Marioverse for more than a decade, or that he’s worthy of standing side-by-side with a guy that literally has Super in his name. This is a farce.

Nabbit posing in a medical outfit

You know how I know Nabbit isn’t real? His design philosophy doesn’t match Mario and his friends at all. Just look at his eyes. Every character has realistic, oval-shaped eyes complete with a sclera (the white part) pupil, iris, and a white dot to represent the reflection of light. Toad is the only one missing a sclera, but he still has that signature white reflection. Nabbit does not. They have perfect round eyes with no iris and no reflection. He’s a Funko Pop, and Funko Pops belong in the trash. He also wears white gloves with no fingers, but all the Mario characters (with hands) have fingers, even Yoshi.

Let me just walk you through Nabbit’s supposed history in the Mario franchise and you tell me if this sounds like a real character, let alone one that should be headlining a new mainline game. Nabbit first appeared in New Super Mario Bros. U as a random enemy you chase through one level in each world. In the DLC, New Super Luigi U, Nabbit is now Luigi’s friend and replacing Mario as the second playable character. Extremely sus.

Besides those appearances, Nabbit is almost exclusively relegated to cameo appearances. There’s a Nabbit costume in Super Mario Maker you can randomly find. His name shows up in a scoreboard in Mario Golf: Super Rush. There’s one minigame in Super Mario Party where he appears, and if you land on a -1 Space in Mario Part 10, he’ll show up to steal a dice block from Bowser. He appears for two seconds in Mario & Luigi: Paper Jam and he’s an ally in the side-game within the 3DS remake of Mario & Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story. He’s playable in one specific event (100m dash) in Mario & Sonic at the Rio 2016 Olympic Games, and he’s a DLC that you get when you buy the Flower Pack in character in the 3DS game Mario Golf: World Tour.

Not that I believe any part of that resume is real, but even if I did, how the hell did he end up the star of Super Mario Bros. Wonder? This guy gets invited to the big leagues to pal around with Daisy and Light-Blue Yoshi. Light-Blue Yoshi?? I’m not buying it folks. If you ask me, Nabbit means nothing but a bit. Nabbit stands for Not A Bona fide Brother In This game. You know what’s in his little bag? Lies. Maybe him and Ugly Sonic can open a bootleg DVD store together, but he’s got no place in the Mushroom Kingdom. \

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