So we’re finally getting the trailer for Grand Theft Auto 6 on Tuesday, which means we should be able to boot up the game within the next five to ten years on what will then be a PlayStation 7. That said, it’s exciting we’re finally getting another Grand Theft Auto game after so long, and as someone from South Florida, I’m psyched for the series to go back to Vice City. Last time Grand Theft Auto was in Florida was the ‘80s. And, boy, did they hit that neon and Phil Collins.
However, this new game appears to take place in present day South Florida. And not since Governor Napoleon Bonaparte Broward drained the Everglades have Floridians been this excited. Also, that’s not a joke. That was his real name. The governor of my home state that destroyed its ecosystem was named Napoleon Bonaparte Broward. What a history!
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Despite what you may have heard about Florida… actually, everything you’ve heard about Florida is pretty much true. Rockstar is known for its detail-oriented design, and I’ve got no doubt it will handle a new Vice City as well as it did – or better – than its San Andreas. But as a native to the Sunshine State of Fear, here’s how they could really make it like South Florida.
Make Everyone Obsessed With Publix
Look, I know Publix is a problematic company. Its owners donate to rough causes. But if you don’t live in Florida, you don’t understand the shadow cast by a single grocery store brand. I don’t expect Rockstar to use the actual name Publix, but here’s what they could do: make a regular grocery store that people in the game think is better than anything. Florida is a state where you really have to grab onto what you can emotionally. It’s basically the same as every grocery store on Earth, with better lighting and better subs at the deli counter. If they really want to make the game pop, have the main character spend most her time in the store just to walk around and maybe lie about it being her birthday for the free cookie at the bakery.
Some Residents Must Still Live In The 1980s
The most important thing any of us can do as people is never change. Never change what we like. Never change how we live. And definitely never change the decor in our homes. Half of the interiors must look exactly like elderly grandparents who describe themselves as ‘snowbirds’ did all the work. Because this is Florida, it’s easy to extend to other areas. For example, high school textbooks there already end in the 1980s. It’s easily attainable.
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Roaches Fly
Man, oh, man. Forget getting shot. You don’t know fear until you see a roach running across your floor and then take off into the air. You hope a lizard in the house will eat it, and then you realize how weird that thought is.
Traffic Rules Must Not Exist
One thing Vice City got wrong about Florida is they only allowed the player to ignore traffic laws, drive on the sidewalk, and hit pedestrians. The fact is, that’s how everyone drives in Florida. Every NPC car in Grand Theft Auto 6 should just do whatever it wants. Driving between cars. Driving over lawns. Oh, and we need to have a few riding lawnmowers on the highway. Never know when you’re going to see one of those on the news. Playing a Grand Theft Auto set in Florida should feel like a game of GTA Online in which everyone’s driving and they just drank seven coffees and took an Ambien.
Complete Distrust Of North Florida
Tampa and Orlando are neutral territory. Anything North of that we don’t trust. Bunch of college kids and fancy politicians if you ask me. They don’t even have Santa’s Enchanted Forest.
Have Santa’s Enchanted Forest
Okay, again, nobody would go with this name. But if you really want that South Florida/Miami experience, you need to have local fairs that are kind of scary and not in a horror movie way. More like in a ‘has this been inspected lately?’ way. When you turn on the TV, there must be local ads featuring children singing a haunting park theme that sounds like it was recorded in 1970. Also, if you really want to make it pop, have this beloved fair be in an eternal battle to the death with Vice City over its location.
Half of the People Should Never Shut Up About Being From Liberty City
This actually isn’t entirely missing from the old Vice City. But people who move to Florida will never, ever shut the fuck up about the city they came from, while also insisting the city they came from is worse than Florida. “Nobody makes pizza like Liberty City! That’s a real city! But I’d never live there again! Garbage place! Love their sports teams! Greatest town in America! What a nightmare!” That’s how people in Florida talk about the major cities they moved from so they could pay their life savings in homeowners insurance in a drowning hurricane state.
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